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O silver moon

that hurts mine eyes

1/29/06 06:58 pm

its been weeks now... more than weeks or so it seems... and i just cant seem to shake it off...
i cant shake my mood...ive been kinda sad lately. kinda is sort of an understatement.
ive been meaning to write it somewhere.... in a notebook, on a single sheet of paper, even on the computer but ive yet to find a way to just get everything in correct wording.
what have i been doing with myself?

ever since i decided to leave my place in the music school...ive felt completely empty inside...i mean... i stayed in the Opera... and continued to stay in chorale... but something is just missing
i dont feel like a whole anymore... i mean at least last semester when i was complaining about how much i could not stand singing.... i was thrilled to be complaining...
thrilled to be miserable....
i was sitting through the Rossini tonight...thinking that this is why im here... im here to perform...and just maybe now isnt my time,
ive taken into consideration that im still just really young and have time to figure out what i want...and i think i have... i didnt leave for long because i couldnt stand the way i felt...or feel... parts of me look at my life in prospect...and wonder WHERE WILL I GET MY LEXUS AND LOFT IT DOWNTOWN.... and have all this money and everything i could possibly want in my life...but one thing...the music.

everyone seems so happy with their choices at Moores... talking musician...about everything they are...and everything they want to become and i feel so alone...and outside...

im sorry that i let myself fall last semester...
that i turned into someone else... that i forgot what im really placed on this earth to do.

i guess other things have been bothering me lately as well...im trying to work a job that i simply lack the enjoyment of...working way too much at that... to where im leaving the important things behind..

ive lost contact with all that i cherished... i dont do anything but work and go to school..
when im at school im thinking about working and when im not working im thinking about school thus, not letting me accomplish anything. ive also just been so bombarded with this opera that we've been performing lately.... just completely bombarded..and you know what? thats okay because its the greatest feeling in the world getting out on that stage and just doing what makes you feel the best in the world.

i dont know what ive been so scared of
and why ive kept myself in such denile...

but i really want to sing...

for the rest of my life... no matter how hard the career is... no matter how crazy i get... no matter how moody i am.... no matter the cost...its a priceless feeling to have.

Flight is in a few minutes...so i should go.

12/14/05 02:51 pm

so...seventh graders write more good than i do.

thank you :)

12/1/05 08:41 pm

okay so now i guess im ready to type. my fingers are cold. its amazing how anyone can function in this room. im sitting next to a computer with a fish with big lips on the screen...terrifying.

anyway. so my thoughts lately have been draining... my mind is drained from thoughts that i am sick of thinking.
ive been in turmoil all semester and now its finally seeming to end. one day actually... one day and a couple more tests.. but thats it.

and i can go ahead and have the option not to come back to music school or not.
which is such a tough decision. so tough that i think ive put it off too long to even think i can come back even if i wanted to.

i dont want to. when i think about the music building... i get these dark shades around my vision and feel compacted and tight. and im constantly fighting a battle in my head...telling myself i need to walk inside for the good of humanity.

i know that i can constantly tell myself... i want to be a performer.. and i want to sing opera for the rest of my life. i can sit here and say its where i belong because i dont want to do anything else. i can tear myself away from the sounds... only to feel empty inside.

but the constant tears ive cried...the torment that ive withheld...the constant roller coaster ride of emotions...i can only take so much..and when i think about it... the pain and the sadness is way more hurtful than the joy i get from the study of music.

i never thought i could get so passionate about something... but i did. and i dont think i can go on with it. its sort of like another break up ill have to put up with i guess. but what else is new.
so many people say.. WHAT WILL YOU DO BESIDES MUSIC.

and the answer is.. A LOT.
music is only one part of me... a big part. but only ONE... and im perfectly capable of doing other things.. other than leaving my lessons crying because im never feeling good enough... because im jealous of everyone around me.

there has to be plenty of other careers out there that wont drive me insane and out of my mind.

that make me feel like im actually accomplishing something.

if im supposed to continue music. ill continue. as for now. im not so sure.
thats pretty much what ive been dealing with the past couple of weeks... that and getting myself back together from the semester...

im poor..i work too much.. i have no real home...i havent spoken to my family in weeks... i feel isolated..and still in my little tube. i just want out.

and im thinking that maybe breaking myself away will help me get out.
i miss my mom..and rudy..

i miss my choir friends.

im sick of school.

ummm what else is good though... lets see..school is over! well almost so thats thrilling! shaheena and i went to the business school today and im soooo excited shes going to be going to school with me next semester.... i went to see jason mraz the other night..it was amazing. and thats about it. i guess.. this weekend im going to be working and studying for astronomy. and i think thats it... im ready for something new to begin. i think im ready.

12/1/05 08:04 pm

i dont know.

11/28/05 05:36 pm

i dont know where everyone got off thinking that i have all this money... but truth is.. i have nothing.. i actually have negative money. and if i do seem like i have it..its because ive taken fernandos credit card and gotten back whats rightfully mine after carolina took it away from. too bad for her i guess. too bad for him and his god foresaken family.
if i seem like i have money...youre perception of me is wrong.

i cant pay for school like they think i can.
i cant pay my insurance.. and i have credit card bills that go beyond limits.... my pay checks go to that. why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont have 200 for insurance.. i dont have 500 for school.... i dont have 1000 for overdraft fees and i sure as hell dont have 1500 for next semester.
i dont make a lot of money so where do my parents get off thinking that im actually able to pay for myself... i cannot.

why do i work so much and have nothing!?

maybe i dont get paid enough..thats it! someone should pay me.

11/2/05 03:06 pm

so here in my free time im taking the time out to dedicate my life to my journal.which i rarely keep up with in life. anyway.
ive been going through this plethera of emotions lately where im changing at random... one moment im bitching and complaining about how i refuse and dont want to learn anything academically related to music....and the next minute im all laughing and giggling because emily's rolly backpack cracks me up..the next im driving down the road and hear this song on the radio that reminds me of david and i get pissed off. and angry with myself...only to turn a corner and notice how beautiful the day is and get teary eyed because im so emotionally touched. Im very very irritated with people... i dont have the best customer service at work.. im yelling at pregnant women.. not saying thank you... and i feel nothing. i start crying at random moments during the day. the problem is i guess that ive been so completely out of touch with myself because im always doing something else...i just havent had time to think. i havent had my alone time, because im always with someone..or somewhere and i just havent gotten that chance to cater to myself. i dont feel very deserving of it either... nothing can be perfect..when it should be.

im refusing to go to classes....im refusing to learn music... i refuse to learn anything else until this semester is over... im irritated and disgusted with myself and basically the majority of people around me.
im tired. and exhausted. and i dont want to do anything.

10/19/05 09:15 am

MY hands both are SORE from Binding Corn since the break of MORN!

anyway.. so!... im here to update...my life... mi vida... or something to that extent...whatever this thing im living in right now...these past few days have been rough i guess you could say... ive just been really busy with the whole work schedule...and school schedule and opera schedule.... trying to bring my grades up..and SOMEHWAT studying... and trying to get some extra cash to drive around in my little jeep. rudy lost his job..because of gas prices costing too much for the pasedena plant to keep running, so hes going back to school and the union is paying for it.. or something like that.... so since hes lost his job... my mother and I have been taking turns arguing about whos life sucks more, which is really stupid..because i sympathize with her... and yes she wins. so why does she still have to argue with me.
Ive been ill for the past 2 days now, with a stuffy nose and congested everything.. my head feels like its being squeezed through a juicer.and all i want to do these days is just sleep. at a time when thats all i CANT do... i havent really looked at my music, nor do i think i care to...top 100 is in a few weeks and i picked this song Wehmut, which means melancholy in German, when in all reality the song speaks nothing about sadness at all..weird... so i have to start getting ready for that. Im thinking about switching jobs.... Victorias secret... yeah weird i know.. but they pay better than where i am. and! its not Old Navy because theyre driving me nuts.. the customers there drive me nuts... so if u go out shopping... please put the clothes back where you found them :). Um, David and I broke up, not the greatest story of my life. Im not even sure where things went wrong. However, i do know that it happened in like an instant. and now we dont even speak to eachother. Im in this process of where i did whatever i could to get him to have me back, although i called it off. and he refuses to take anything from me...regardless of how much i beg. So, i try to forget him... but he refuses to let me, because he'll send me a text message saying something thatll get me thinking.. so i go back to him..and attempt once more at saving something. but sadly... nothing. so i go to forget him once more...and i have contact with him once more.... this time not expecting it.. giving me hope that YES! things will work out... and this time... the outcome worsens...... i write him this email....a lenghty one...spilling out everything i feel...and i get the rudest response ever.. about not adding him as a friend on myspace.bullshit. so there i go...moving on with myself....living for myself...trying to figure out what i want...when out of nowhere...i get another message...but nothing too drastic.. just another dramatic scene being portrayed.. so i decided im not going to get into this. it ended with his response..."i dont need you to like me"...which is blasphemous because if he didnt.. why wont he just leave me alone..and let me live my life.... its hard enough without him....but why does he have to be a constant reminder of something ive once again lost.

on the other Hand!

EUGENE ONEGIN! will be opening Friday Night at Moores Opera House at 730 Pm...

Saturday Sunday and Monday..so bring flowers...just kidding.

the show is glorious and gina is hot.

and i get to wear a green suit.
umm what else is good..i have ALL SATURDAY OFF!!!
and!!!! i found 20 dollars this morning..
my throat hurts
like... a bia.

i hate school :).

thats all for now

9/14/05 07:17 am

its such a weird process...finding out who you are.

its a bottle of emotions waiting to be opened and poured. its a time of excitement and thrill...joy and happiness. coexisting, with a time of depression, sadness and melancholy. its a realizion, of oneself, that im finding to be quite stressful.

its scary in some sense...living your life til a certain point, til you find out...that isnt the life you want at all.
im finding myself in so many modes of stress lately. in ways that i dont need to be stressed....about a voice lesson... about a choir rehearsal... about a theory assignment or piano lesson. when im just realizing... i dont have to do it anymore.
of course...starting over again...is scary...actually terrifying... and a decision that ive put off way to long...because ive been fooling myself otherwise.

recently ive decided to leave my major after this semester. moreso, after this semester because i dont want to waste, and get my money's worth. i used to think its what i most wanted. but, priorities change, and events in your life, make it possible for these changes to come.

9/13/05 10:58 am

when i was younger... when someone would tell me growing up is rough..and not to do it..

i would have said... please brotha... you crazy...

now... i completely understand the severity of that phrase...

getting older is anything but easy...

im not even that old... im not old...

but im beginning to take on more responsibilities that my little body can handle...

ive been living everywhere within these past few months..from my mothers house to my fathers house....aunt to aunts house to my cousins house only to find myself unhappy in all locations... i normally would suck it up...and continue to live with it... but in the past week, ive gotten to be so uncomfortable in my family's environment i havent been able to go back. in the past week, everything that was here a week ago seems like some distant memory of my past that im not able to go back to. its weird to think that i dont feel like i can ever go back. im sending someone to get my things.

its like a life that ive abandoned not because im too coward to face my relatives.... but more because i dont want to face them...so why should i.

i dont hate them... im not mad at them... just my level of insecurity around them... has completely reached its peak and i cant see them right now...

im ashamed... im insecure... im upset... im confused... im lost.

old navy is becoming less and less stressful each time i go...im not feeling like i drastically need to leave anymore... its the one place where im actually comfortable being myself... and no one gives me any crap about who i am... or what i do.

school on the other hand is this constant battle for self control. a battle for acceptance and a struggle to keep myself from collapsing emotionally. im in an area of study that i no longer feel im connected to but i feel like i need to stay in it to please other people.

david allen west on the other hand...keeps everything together...and makes me the happiest person to ever be alive... i dont know how he would feel about me posting him here, so we'll keep it at that :).

9/4/05 11:35 am

so ive gotten my lisence back!...ive been driving up a storm...im out of gas though :(...i love how right when i get my lisence back..the prices go insane... but hey...keeping them below 3 dollars would make my life too easy right...anyway...
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